hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
