dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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