I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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