i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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