have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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