Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
