i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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