No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
