I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
one two three fourrrrnication!
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Dear god my vagina.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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