It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize