I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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