I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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