i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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