you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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