I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Randomize
