Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Randomize
