As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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