the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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