Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
