someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
