There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize