I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
