Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
