You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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