there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
