Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
