All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
