splinters make it hard to masturbate
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
