Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
smell my finger.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
