OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
