Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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