so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
