The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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