Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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