loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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