He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
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