i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
The Olympian is in my bed
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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