Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Randomize
