Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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