i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
mondays should just be called national damage control day
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
