The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
