this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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