Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
and you fell through a lawn chair
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
