If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
jump out the window naked night went bad
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