Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
