I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Randomize
