Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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