She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
