im drinking this country out of the recession.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
