We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
