im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
