Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize