I think I am morally bankrupt
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
