If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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