someone threw a dead crab at me
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
