I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I just got carded by a ten year old.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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