Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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