we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
